Discipline, rest and passion.
What stalls me, inspires me, and keeps me going. Not in that order.
I believe in the kind motivation that gets us to where we want, but I think motivation works more like a headstart and not the fuel, and only discipline can get us far. I believe writing beautiful code on day 1 and 2 is an impressive feat, but the ability to consistently write good-enough code on day N matters more. That’s my mantra: Do something consistently, and you eventually get really good at it, or focus on the journey, not the destination, stuff like that.
I consider myself quite a disciplined programmer, but certainly not the most disciplined programmer out there: There are times when I feel too tired, too out of my mind, to distracted to to write code. And there are also times when I just feel … not good enough (imposter syndrome kicking in), like everything will be futile in the end, so there is no point in staying disciplined. And certainly there are moments that I desparately need the instant gratification solving a challenging issue can give, but that’s when … I grab my phone and watch some Tiktok, that kind of fast-food instant gratification. When my mind is really back, I feel totally disappointed about myself for letting that kind of dopamine overwhelms me.
I tell myself to be more consistent, more focused, but eventually get swirled into the endless cycle of striving to be more productive, focusing, getting distracted, blaming myself for not trying hard enough, and repeat. I doubt my consistency a lot of times, and get pessimistic about my future if I keep getting distracted like that. The pendulum keeps swinging between “1% better everyday will be worth it” and “There’s no point in trying”. It’s tiring. I’m tired.
Then comes the phase I realize resting is important. I did take some time off coding, off tiring things, but unaware of how to spend that time effectively: Grab a book, they (might) say, stay passively productive. That helps sometimes, but other times it feels pretentious. Trying that hard for the sake of productivity, it gradually comes to me, is not worth it. The art of getting well-rested is a whole big deal, and you don’t try to half-assed rest or it will destroy you even more.
But through all of this, passion is really what keeps me going. I stay most disciplined when I am super hooked up to something, and resting reminds me to keep that fire dwindle a bit, but not totally off. To feel so passionate about what I do, even if it impresses no one, puts me in an entirely new world existing only in my mind.
And don’t even get me started on accepting myself. I have flaws, more than what I mentioned above, and I’m still trying to embrace them one at a time. As long as they are under control and do not impact the major things in my life, then I welcome them to stay. Not fighting back, but to make compromises with parts of me I once detested. If this flawed version of me has got me this far, then I’m sure continuing with them might not be a (huge) terrible idea.
